Conversation with myself as I gingerly attempt to feed
and exercise the neighbors dogs, who also happen to be trained K9's for the
police:
"I will be okay. I think."
"They smell fear you know."
"Umm..Im not scared."
"You forget that rabid dog that attacked you
while selling Girl Scout cookies door to door when you were nine."
"THANKS FOR THE REMINDER! These dogs only attack
perps..right?"
"I think its body language and smell. I wonder
what perps smell like..."
"I had wine last night and I havent showered yet.
I SMELL LIKE A PERP!!"
"Okay, if this doesnt go well...DON'T RUN. Lay
down and play dead."
"BULL SH*T! Im gonna scream and run like a little
Girl Scout!"
"Well, it worked before...."
Conversation at the breakfast table, between my
brother in law Bob, my sister Debbie, and me.
Bob: "DId you try some of that kielbasa we made?”
 |
| Mystery sausage man |
Me: "Kielbasa?"
Deb: “Bobs Catholic polish buddies got together
drinking one night and decided to make kielbasa.”
Me: “Mmmm...Whats in it?”
Bob: “Uuuhh.. probably pork.”
Me: “PROBABLY pork??! Debbie, have you eaten any of
this "probably pork?"
Deb: “NOPE”
Me: “Yeeeah. I think I will pass. It is beginning to
sound a lot like Spam.”
Quote from my sister Debbie on her Honeymoon Suite in
Gatlinburg: "There were so many flowers in the room that when Bob woke up
in the morning, he thought he was dead."
Conversation with dad after the 9 hour road trip is now
into the 11th hour and we STILL aren't THERE yet:
Me: "Hey dad, did you ever have one of those
dreams where you have to get somewhere and you just can't get there?"
Dad: "Yes."
Me: "Well, we are IN IT!"
Gracie Story time:
Gracie: "Want me to tell you a story
Gramma?"
Me: "Absolutely!"
Gracie: "Once there were these three Princesses
and one day they were walking on water..."
Me: "I thought only Jesus walked on water."
Gracie: "Umm..uhh..Well, he was there too."
Me: "Okay. Then what happened."
Gracie: "He fell in love with one of the
Princesses and they lived happily ever after."
Me: "Where did they live?"
Gracie: "What?"
Me: "Jesus lives in heaven. Princesses live in
castles. So, where did they live happily ever after?"
Gracie: "He moved into the Princesses
castle."
Me: "Is that all?"
Gracie: "Yep. They lived happily ever
after."
(Perhaps I should not have interjected with Jesus. I
think I screwed it up :) )
Five words you NEVER want to hear when getting
intimate with your soul mate: "Honey..Is that a..TICK!?
Conversation with Cory the sales girl:
Me: "I need something to wear to a wedding."
Cory: "Okay. How about this?"
Me: "Did you look at my calves Cory? They are out
of proportion to the rest of my body. If I wore that I would look like a potato
with legs"
Cory: "Okay, this would work."
Me; "Great. Now for a shirt..."
Cory: "This?"
Me: "Too flashy."
Cory: "This?"
Me: "Umm..noooo."
Cory: "THIS?"
Me: "Arm lumps. It happens."
Cory: "How about this..with this for arm
cover?"
Me: "Awesome! Okay we got all the lumps, bumps
and disproportions covered. Now, got anything to suck, tuck and smooth out the
lumps, bumps and back bacon?"
Cory: "You mean Shape Wear?"
Me: "Call it what you will, Cory, but.. don't we
ALL know what its REALLY for..?"
Cory: "Hehe. We do sell A LOT of it. Women have a
lot of problems with body image."
Me: "Not me...I'm a realist. I am really sure
about all of it."
Conversation with Gracie:
Gracie:
"Want to know why I nap gramma?"
Me: "Why"
Gracie: "So my battery doesn't wear down."
Quote from Dad: "You know, I NEVER understood the
concept of a snooze alarm. Can you imagine waking up THREE or FOUR times EVERY
morning? ONCE is bad enough! Nope. Using a Snooze alarm just proves... You are
a dumb shit."
Conversation with Gracie on the phone:
Gracie: "Happy Mothers Day Gramma!"
Me: "GRACIE! Thank you!"
Gracie: "I am at Sam’s house. And guess what? We
found a GLASS EYE in the shed!"
Me: "A glass eye?"
Gracie: "YES! A REAL. GLASS. EYE!"
Me: "Wow. That kind of freaks me out. Did you
touch it?"
Gracie: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Gracie: "Because...ITS a REAL..GLASS.. EYE!"
Me: "I am doing MATH today. Got any advice for
me?"
Gracie: "Yes. Don't TOUCH the GLASS EYE! That’s
MY advice."
Somehow that advice makes about as much sense as this
math!
