Conversations with Dad

Quote from Dad: “I hate painting. I'd rather get kicked in a soft spot than pick up a paintbrush."

Quote from Dad on a road trip to Tennessee: “I hope no one uses that bathroom for while. Once you get old yer pucker string don't work!"

Quote from lunch today with dad: "Once the dollar store came to town, the other stores prices dropped faster than a prom dress!"

Quote from Dad after ordering a fish, and having it arrive with the head still on it: "I sent that sumbitch right back. I ain’t eatin' nuthin' that’s gonna be staring at me!"

"Quote from Dad after he confronted 2 illegal hunters on his property: "The one guy looked like he was gonna level his gun at me, so I said, ‘Don’t even f**king THINK about it!’ Of course going into a gun fight with a pocket knife aint too smart”

Dad looking at the Lobsters in Red Lobster: "Eww.. I ain’t eating nuthin’ that looks like THAT! And if it crawls sideways...well, I ain’t eating that either!"

Quote from Dad after leaving his expensive garbage service for a "less upscale" service: "I don’t give a shit if they pick up the garbage with a bicycle and a basket, as long as they pick it up!"

Quote from Dad: "Yeah we got a new puppy. We call him Jax when he's good, and Little Bastard when he ain’t."

Lunch with Dad today: "So I took Jax to the vet. He weighs 50 pounds 4 ounces. except they de-balled him. So now he weighs 50 pounds 2 ounces"

Random quote from dad: "Hillbillies don't have a lot of brother in laws. They just kill em."

Conversation with Dad about my potential Roller Derby activities:

Dad: "Why are you doing that?"

Me: “Because I'm sliding toward 50 and I want to do something challenging. I fully expect to get my ass kicked sometimes.”

Dad: "Well let me tell you somethin'... I got my ass kicked a quite few times before I turned 50, and a few times after. It’s a hell of a lot better to get your ass kicked BEFORE 50, then after. You don’t heal up as fast. Let me know when you play and I will come watch you get your ass kicked.”

Quote from Dad as he arrives late for lunch: “I should of left earlier. I forgot today was fuck head day. Yep, every fuck head in Battle Creek is on the street today… and I was behind ‘em.”

I am talking with Dad at his house when he excuses himself to answer the landline phone:

Dad: Hello?... FUCK YOU!....Shove it up your ASS!”

Me: “Geeze Dad…..Who was THAT?”

Dad: “Telemarketer.”

Conversation with Dad as I pull in his driveway and he is in the yard:

Me: “Dad, why are you out in the yard?”

Dad: “I just had to find my phone.”

Me: “How did it get out in the yard?”

Dad: “Because I threw the fucker as far as I could!”

Quote from Dad after he chooses to not treat his cancer: “Treating this cancer now would be like shuttin’ the barn door after the horse got out!”

Quote from Dad after a visit to his doctor: “Well now they want to send me to a kidney doctor. I just think they are trying to come up with new ways to kill me.”

Quote from Dad on his massive weight loss: “Damn! I have lost so much weight they will be able to cremate me with a kitchen match!”

Quote from Dad as he decides to stop going to the doctor: “I would rather get kicked in the kahunas than go to the God damned doctor!”

Quote from Dad: He is a no good, dirty son of a bitch. The only problem is...I like him!"

Quote from Dad at the prospect of seeing an old nemesis: "Yeah, he SAID he had a black belt in karate...But I got a white belt in WHOOP ASS!”

Quote from Dad after seeing an old co-worker: “Hey! There is old Pork Chop! I worked with him! He sucked more ass than a Chinese whore.”

Conversation with Dad: "Yeah, I ran into a guy I went to high school with. The guy said: “You remember me? I was always trying to steal your girlfriend!" He did a lot of time in prison, but said he straightened out his life.”

Me: “That sounds good Dad.”

Dad: “Yeah, but I still ain't tellin' him where I live."

Dads Take on Funerals

Quote from Dad as we enter the funeral home for visitation: “Lets go pay our respects then get the fuck outa there!”

 Conversation with Dad at lunch:

Dad: "I bought my casket this week."

Me: "Umm..really...oookay."

Dad: "Yep its about 12 inches long, 8 inches wide."

Me: "So you saying you want to be cremated?"

Dad: "Well what the fuck should I care? Dead is dead. Mix my ashes with Butch (his dog), then I don't give a shit what you do with em. Like I said, DEAD is DEAD! You can put my picture on a bill board or something, I don’t give a fuck.. but I don’t want no God damned funeral!”

"Quote from Dad: I hate fucking funerals. There's always someone who says "Oh!! He looks so good!" I've seen my share a dead guys and aint NONE of 'em look good!"

Conversation with Dad:

Dad: "I gotta go look at a dead guy. If I’d known he was going die, I’da been nicer to him"

Me: "Would you have done anything different?"


Dad: "No."

Conversation with Dad:

Dad: “I don’t want no damned funeral.”

Me: “Why not?"

Dad: "Number one: They are barbaric. Number two: Who the hell wants to sit in the same room with some dead fucker? Its not like they can talk. They just… LAY there…. THEN, there’s always that ONE person that says...Oh they look soooo goood. Nope. I’m done with funerals."

Conversation with Dad at lunch:

Dad: "How is that math doing?"

Me: "Well, apparently I am a retard. It is sucking the life out of me, dad."

Dad: "When I was in school, I had the same math teacher for four years. I was still doing eighth grade math as a senior. He finally passed me, but he based it on seniority."

Me: "So I come by retardation honestly..."

Dad: "Yep. The only class I could have passed easily, I got thrown out of. Typing."

Me: "You got thrown out of TYPING?! WHY?"

Dad: “Because I stood up and announced to the class my typewriter was pregnant. It missed a period."

Quote from Dad after a conversation about his newest great-grand daughters successful potty training: “When kids quit shittin’ their pants, parents don’t pay as much attention to them.”

Conversation with Dad at lunch:

Dad: “I told that waitress that I wasn’t hitting on her, but if I was 30 years younger I would be chasing her till she fell down. But, I wasn’t hitting on her or nothin’.”

Me: “Sooo...You were hitting on the waitress...”

Dad: “Hehe, yeah I guess I was.”

Quote from Dad: “I got drunk on red wine once. I puked so bad it was months before I could eat grape jelly.”

Conversation with Dad, who is bedridden:
Me: Do you think you could use this urinal Dad?
Dad: Yeah, but it will take all the fun out of pissing on myself."

Conversation with Dad as I do his bed bath:
Me: :Okay Dad, roll over. It's time to wash your junk."
Dad: "It's junk TO YOU--By the way, how's it looking down there?"
Me: "It's all shriveled, pale and pathetic--like normal."
Dad: "Well, good. Thats the way I like it." 

Lunch with Dad

WARNING: You may find these conversations offensive. It has swearing and adult content. In keeping with the spirit for whom these conversations are based: Tough shit.

Lunch with Dad

In writing this blog, I was trying to remember my first memory of my father. He took an unfiltered Camel from his lips, and spit a piece of tobacco off his tongue, before kissing me goodbye. It always seemed he was kissing me goodbye. 
I remember his huge head moving toward my face, as I got my turn. His routine was the same. Remove the cigarette, spit, kiss. He did this to my mother also, but her kisses were better.  
Dad worked two jobs. The first, as an explosive and heavy equipment operator for a limestone quarry and the second at a cereal factory. My mother stayed home, which was common in the 60’s.

I would like to say my parents were high school sweethearts it's not entirely true.  My mother was barely out of ninth grade and dad two weeks away from graduation when Mom popped up pregnant with my sister Debbie. It was a surprise to them both, as my father was told he would never have children after getting his testicles barbecued after peeing on an electric fence. 

My dad explains it like this: “That fence wasn’t a normal fence. It was a weed burning one. I peed on that fence and lit up like a burnt match. My kahuna’s were a big as baseballs. Our neighbor was a doctor and dad took me over there. He packed my balls on ice and told my dad he would never get grandkids from me. I heard that and thought “Hell yes!” After that, I started hittin’ anything that moved. So when your ma told me she was pregnant, I went “What the hell?” 

It wasn’t the accidental vasectomy he had hoped for. 

Dad quit high school 2 weeks from graduation and Mom dropped out in the 9th grade and started their life together. Dad was a black leather, Camel smoking Teamster version of Ward Cleaver, and Mom, June on crack. When they needed extra money, Mom would drag race men, usually winning, and for fun they hit the bar on Saturday night. Every Saturday night. It was in the mix of smoke and underage whiskey my mother would usually start a fight with some guy, which Dad had to finish. He didn’t mind. He loved to fight and she loved to be rescued. A twisted version of the damsel in distress rescued by a prince. It was Dad's pleasure to take out the town banker, the town asshole, the car lot owner, the town drunk, and Del Shannon, the one hit wonder of the 60’s. Before Del became famous, he too, hung out at the bar. Mom's mistake was going to the bar while Dad was at work. Being a suspicious man with a jealousy problem, Dad shows up to the bar to take her home. 

“It ain’t proper for a mother to be at a bar while her husband is at work,” he explained. 

As he takes her arm to leave and Del, attempting to intervene on her behalf, confronts my father.

As my father tells it: “I turned around and blasted him one right in the face, and he went down like a little girl. Back then, he was a fat little pecker head. He slimmed down after he got famous. I think it was all that cocaine.”

Leaving home for my dad was I suspect, a blessing. He was the unexpected 5th child of an aging woman who clearly did not want another, and a mostly silent father. His older sister, Margaret, was his mother figure and her husband Gene, a lifetime Navy man Dad's nemesis. 
Dad said, “He didn’t like me or my attitude. He once told me, “When you address me, you call me Sir.” So I said, Okay…..FUCK YOU….Sir.”

My father’s presence in the house was one of authority. We sat up correctly and chewed with our mouths closed. Under his intense eye, I was self-conscious that I might be doing something wrong. To me he was like to sun. He was warm and inviting, but I knew if I stared at him too long I could go blind. His ultimate authority scared me, but it was also a source of comfort.

Thunderstorms scared me as a child. I could usually predict when they would come. I would see dark blue forming on the horizon and immediately get diarrhea. I was never sure about why I did this. I thought it to be some type of mystical weather barometer in my colon. It wasn’t unusual for me to spend the entire storm on the toilet. My family would be heading to the basement, while I was still reaching for toilet paper. The only time I felt safe was when Dad was home. 

I seldom saw Dad in my preteen years. He worked second shift seven days a week. For me, it worked out well. The lack of parental authority combined with my genetic hardwiring created a female version of my father. 

Mom repeatedly lectured, "Stephanie, if you don't watch what you are doing, you are going to get a reputation!"
I had no idea what a reputation was, but I knew I wanted one. 

For my parents, lack of family time became the straw that ended the marriage. In a final act of desperation he did not expect to win, my father fought for custody of my brother and I, and got it. 

I would later tease him, “When you accidently got custody of Eddie and I, you looked at us and said, “What were your names again?” 

I am grateful to be Swany's daughter and remember his fatherly advice over the years. He covered all the bases.

Sex:"Keep your pants up till your 16 and I will buy you a car."

Dating: "Never date a man over 30 who wears gold jewelry. He's a player."

Bullies: "Don’t put up with bullshit! Pick up a fucking stick and beat the shit out of him."

Self destruction: "Hell Steph, there is a line of assholes out there waiting to kick the shit out of you for nothing more than the change in your pocket. So, why the hell are you kicking your own ass?"
That advice changed my life. 

My father was in his seventieth decade when he started inviting me to lunch. It began as an occasional thing, then worked its way into several times a week. Getting on in years, he still lived with my brother and his wife, but it was easier for him to get a meal in town than create one. He also enjoyed flirtations with the waitresses. It was during one of our lunches I started really paying attention to what he said. Some things were funny, some were profoundly smart and I started writing them down. I had a Facebook account at the time and that is when I realized that sharing them would perhaps not solve world problems, but maybe make someone giggle a bit. After I had so many of them, I realized I could categorize them.

Politics

"Quote from Dad after watching Fox News: “$!?$ this and €%* that $±% and furthermore ?:+*#!!!! :)"

“I was kinda hoping the Democratic party would call and poll me. I been wanting to yell at someone.”

“That old whore Hillary Clinton will be chompin at the bit to run in 2016.”

 Dad: "The problem with this country today is we got as many people in the wagon that is pulling it, but it's been like that before."

Me: “Really? When?”

 Dad: "Back in the 50's when food stamps and welfare was started. But we could afford it then. Now, we can't afford it, and the wagon pullers are being sucked dry.”

“Buncha fuckin assholes in Washington.”

“I can’t watch Fox News anymore. It ruins my day and gets my blood pressure up. I am a shortimer anyway, so I don’t give a fuck what they do.”

Friends

Dad; "Hey there is old _____." I worked with him a long time ago"

Me: “Do you want to go say hi to him? I can wait here.”

Dad: "Nah. He was an asshole."

Dad: “He looks kind of old to me, dad.”

Dad: "Thats cuz he was an asshole. ALL assholes look like that… OLD!"

“He is a no good, dirty son of a bitch. The only problem is...I like him!"

Quote from Dad at the prospect of seeing an old enemy: "Yeah, he SAID he had a black belt in karate...But I gotta white belt in WHOOP ASS!”

Quote from Dad: “Hey! There is old Pork Chop! I worked with him at Kellogg’s! He sucked more ass than a Chinese whore.”

Conversation with Dad: "Yeah, I ran into a guy I went to high school with. He said, "You remember me? I was always tryin' to steal your girlfriend!" 
He did a lot of time in prison, and said he straightened out his life….but I still ain't tellin' him where I live."

Quote from Dad, after talking about a young guy he hated who died: "Talk about unfair! He fucked up everybody's life while he was here….and THEN he got to leave early!"

Women

Quote from Dad about a woman he refused to date: "She never shaved her underarms and she was a redhead. She'd lift up her arms 'n I thought there were two muskrats under there!"

Dad: "I saw three fat girls I went to school with yesterday."

Me: “ Really? Did you recognize them?”

Dad: "Yep. The problem is, the biggest one kept trying to give me her phone number."

Me: “So, did you take it?”

Dad: "HELL NO! I got this thing about fuckin a buffalo! Aint never done it and I aint gonna start!"

Quote from Dad about getting stopped by a female officer while in his red pick up truck: “A woman cop stopped me once. She just wanted to see who was driving THAT red truck. I could tell she had seen a few mattresses in her day, but I didn't say anything.”

Quote from Dad about a woman that made him angry: “If they didn’t put men in jail for hitting women I would slap that bitch right upside the head.”

Getting older maladies

Conversation with Dad about losing his muscle mass:

Dad: “Man, my arms and legs ain’t nothin’ like they used to be.”

Me: “Well, you lose muscle mass as you get older. Maybe you should try lifting weights.”

Dad: "You know, lifting weights at the age of 72 is like reading a magazine in a whore house. Neither one of them is gonna do you any good!"

Me: "Oh my God, Dad! That is hilarious! Can I FaceBook that? PLEASE!"

Dad: "I don’t give a shit. I don't mess with either of them."

Quote from Dad about getting in trouble: “You cant give an old man too much money because if you do, they will hurt themselves. When I go to bed and I take out my teeth, my glasses and my hearing aids. There aint nothin’ to do but go to sleep. I can’t get in no trouble.”

Quote from Dad after his doctor appointment: "My doctor wants to send me to another doctor. I said Hell NO! All he is gonna wanna do is stick his finger in my ass. I know what he is thinking and he aint gonna be doing THAT! My plumbing works and if it aint broke I don’t wanna fix it!"

Quote from dad: “I wake up in the morning and I hurt, from the bottom of my feet to my hair and then again when I go to bed. Everything in between is the same old bullshit!"

Quote from Dad after lamenting on his aging stomach: “Shit, I can't even drink milk no more. Like some girls I know, I get it in my mouth but can't swallow it without gagging!"

Quote from Dad: "I got more wrinkles in my ass than a 3 week old lunch bag.”

Quote from Dad: “I aint gonna be taking a buncha damn pills just to end up dying anyway. And they ain’t gonna be cutting on me. Sheeeet them doctors...all they wanna do it cut ya up.”

Quote from Dad: “At night, I take off all my fake shit. My glasses, my teeth and my hearing aids."

Conversation with Dad at lunch on his medical maladies: "THAT was the worst experience of my LIFE! If I had an orifice they were sticking shit in it to "look around." Every time I got into that MRI machine, my balls would start itching, and then I would start sweating. The minute I would get out, they would stop itching. Nope I ain’t doing THAT shit EVER again!"

Quote from Dad: "I only feel 70 in the morning. I get up and I hurt from my feet to what used to be my hair."

Me: “How was your doctor appointment?”

Dad: “ Well, for me, it was pretty good. For the doctor, it probably wasn’t. They came at me with rubber gloves so I had to say, “Waaaaait a minute there. I don’t know what your planning to do with those, but you ain’t gonna use them on me!””

Quote from Dad: “My doctor said, “We need to check your prostate Mr. Swanson.”

So I said, “My prostate is just fine. I emptied it three times last week.”

Quote from Dad: “That doctor wants me to shit in a bag. I have half a mind to get a dog turd out of the yard and let them analyze that!”