Conversations with Dad

Quote from Dad: “I hate painting. I'd rather get kicked in a soft spot than pick up a paintbrush."

Quote from Dad on a road trip to Tennessee: “I hope no one uses that bathroom for while. Once you get old yer pucker string don't work!"

Quote from lunch today with dad: "Once the dollar store came to town, the other stores prices dropped faster than a prom dress!"

Quote from Dad after ordering a fish, and having it arrive with the head still on it: "I sent that sumbitch right back. I ain’t eatin' nuthin' that’s gonna be staring at me!"

"Quote from Dad after he confronted 2 illegal hunters on his property: "The one guy looked like he was gonna level his gun at me, so I said, ‘Don’t even f**king THINK about it!’ Of course going into a gun fight with a pocket knife aint too smart”

Dad looking at the Lobsters in Red Lobster: "Eww.. I ain’t eating nuthin’ that looks like THAT! And if it crawls sideways...well, I ain’t eating that either!"

Quote from Dad after leaving his expensive garbage service for a "less upscale" service: "I don’t give a shit if they pick up the garbage with a bicycle and a basket, as long as they pick it up!"

Quote from Dad: "Yeah we got a new puppy. We call him Jax when he's good, and Little Bastard when he ain’t."

Lunch with Dad today: "So I took Jax to the vet. He weighs 50 pounds 4 ounces. except they de-balled him. So now he weighs 50 pounds 2 ounces"

Random quote from dad: "Hillbillies don't have a lot of brother in laws. They just kill em."

Conversation with Dad about my potential Roller Derby activities:

Dad: "Why are you doing that?"

Me: “Because I'm sliding toward 50 and I want to do something challenging. I fully expect to get my ass kicked sometimes.”

Dad: "Well let me tell you somethin'... I got my ass kicked a quite few times before I turned 50, and a few times after. It’s a hell of a lot better to get your ass kicked BEFORE 50, then after. You don’t heal up as fast. Let me know when you play and I will come watch you get your ass kicked.”

Quote from Dad as he arrives late for lunch: “I should of left earlier. I forgot today was fuck head day. Yep, every fuck head in Battle Creek is on the street today… and I was behind ‘em.”

I am talking with Dad at his house when he excuses himself to answer the landline phone:

Dad: Hello?... FUCK YOU!....Shove it up your ASS!”

Me: “Geeze Dad…..Who was THAT?”

Dad: “Telemarketer.”

Conversation with Dad as I pull in his driveway and he is in the yard:

Me: “Dad, why are you out in the yard?”

Dad: “I just had to find my phone.”

Me: “How did it get out in the yard?”

Dad: “Because I threw the fucker as far as I could!”

Quote from Dad after he chooses to not treat his cancer: “Treating this cancer now would be like shuttin’ the barn door after the horse got out!”

Quote from Dad after a visit to his doctor: “Well now they want to send me to a kidney doctor. I just think they are trying to come up with new ways to kill me.”

Quote from Dad on his massive weight loss: “Damn! I have lost so much weight they will be able to cremate me with a kitchen match!”

Quote from Dad as he decides to stop going to the doctor: “I would rather get kicked in the kahunas than go to the God damned doctor!”

Quote from Dad: He is a no good, dirty son of a bitch. The only problem is...I like him!"

Quote from Dad at the prospect of seeing an old nemesis: "Yeah, he SAID he had a black belt in karate...But I got a white belt in WHOOP ASS!”

Quote from Dad after seeing an old co-worker: “Hey! There is old Pork Chop! I worked with him! He sucked more ass than a Chinese whore.”

Conversation with Dad: "Yeah, I ran into a guy I went to high school with. The guy said: “You remember me? I was always trying to steal your girlfriend!" He did a lot of time in prison, but said he straightened out his life.”

Me: “That sounds good Dad.”

Dad: “Yeah, but I still ain't tellin' him where I live."

Dads Take on Funerals

Quote from Dad as we enter the funeral home for visitation: “Lets go pay our respects then get the fuck outa there!”

 Conversation with Dad at lunch:

Dad: "I bought my casket this week."

Me: "Umm..really...oookay."

Dad: "Yep its about 12 inches long, 8 inches wide."

Me: "So you saying you want to be cremated?"

Dad: "Well what the fuck should I care? Dead is dead. Mix my ashes with Butch (his dog), then I don't give a shit what you do with em. Like I said, DEAD is DEAD! You can put my picture on a bill board or something, I don’t give a fuck.. but I don’t want no God damned funeral!”

"Quote from Dad: I hate fucking funerals. There's always someone who says "Oh!! He looks so good!" I've seen my share a dead guys and aint NONE of 'em look good!"

Conversation with Dad:

Dad: "I gotta go look at a dead guy. If I’d known he was going die, I’da been nicer to him"

Me: "Would you have done anything different?"


Dad: "No."

Conversation with Dad:

Dad: “I don’t want no damned funeral.”

Me: “Why not?"

Dad: "Number one: They are barbaric. Number two: Who the hell wants to sit in the same room with some dead fucker? Its not like they can talk. They just… LAY there…. THEN, there’s always that ONE person that says...Oh they look soooo goood. Nope. I’m done with funerals."

Conversation with Dad at lunch:

Dad: "How is that math doing?"

Me: "Well, apparently I am a retard. It is sucking the life out of me, dad."

Dad: "When I was in school, I had the same math teacher for four years. I was still doing eighth grade math as a senior. He finally passed me, but he based it on seniority."

Me: "So I come by retardation honestly..."

Dad: "Yep. The only class I could have passed easily, I got thrown out of. Typing."

Me: "You got thrown out of TYPING?! WHY?"

Dad: “Because I stood up and announced to the class my typewriter was pregnant. It missed a period."

Quote from Dad after a conversation about his newest great-grand daughters successful potty training: “When kids quit shittin’ their pants, parents don’t pay as much attention to them.”

Conversation with Dad at lunch:

Dad: “I told that waitress that I wasn’t hitting on her, but if I was 30 years younger I would be chasing her till she fell down. But, I wasn’t hitting on her or nothin’.”

Me: “Sooo...You were hitting on the waitress...”

Dad: “Hehe, yeah I guess I was.”

Quote from Dad: “I got drunk on red wine once. I puked so bad it was months before I could eat grape jelly.”

Conversation with Dad, who is bedridden:
Me: Do you think you could use this urinal Dad?
Dad: Yeah, but it will take all the fun out of pissing on myself."

Conversation with Dad as I do his bed bath:
Me: :Okay Dad, roll over. It's time to wash your junk."
Dad: "It's junk TO YOU--By the way, how's it looking down there?"
Me: "It's all shriveled, pale and pathetic--like normal."
Dad: "Well, good. Thats the way I like it."