Conversations with Nate, Gracie, Millie and myself

Conversation with Gracie while watching Jack and the Giant Beanstalk:

Me: "Gee. The King looks pretty happy now, Gracie."

Gracie: "Probably because his daughter now has a husband...."

***Later in the movie***

Gracie: "Uuugh. The princess should NOT be wearing gold gramma."

Me: "Why not?"

Gracie: "Because. It ATTRACTS GIANTS! I have been studying it."

           

Conversation with myself while grocery shopping after a 7pm-7am shift:

"Should you be doing this? Sleep deprivation and hunger are a bad combination..."

"Relax. I only need spaghetti sauce."

"Then WHY are we in the candy aisle?"

(15 minutes and 2 bags of Sour Patch Kids later...)

"Seriously..I had NO IDEA they had so many AWESOME varieties of KETCHUP!! Am I in HEAVEN??"

"Actually, you are in the condiment aisle. LISTEN TO ME. GET OUT OF THIS AISLE. NOW. Its NOT heaven. You are being HYPNOTIZED. MOVE!"

"Fine. DId I need cheese?"

"You don’t need cheese. LEAVE. NOW."

(Five varieties of cheese later)

"NOW your getting WINE? ITS EIGHT OCLOCK IN THE MORNING!!"

"Yeah, but technically its my bedtime."

"Ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.."

(15 minutes and a Swiffer Duster, smelly fabric stuff, and 6 sponges later)

"Gosh! I haven’t had a Nutty Buddy in YEARS!"

"Your thighs HATE you NOW! Put that back!"

"Did you see the box? FIVE grams of fiber. FIVE. Anything over four is considered health food. I am doing this for MY COLON."

"If you seriously cared about your COLON, STROLL OVER TO FRUITS AND VEGETABLES!"

"Fine. I WILL."

"SEE? Bananas! Lettuce! Apples! CELERY! Yummy!"

"Actually, I’m getting kinda tired"

"If thoughts had hands, I would TOTALLY...TOTALLY punch you right now.."

As I am sitting in the living room, I hear Gracie running out of my bedroom:

Gracie: "Bye Bye BUTT HOLE!"

Me: "Gracie, who are you calling 'Butt Hole'?

Gracie: "Grandpa!"

Me: "WHY are you calling Grandpa 'Butt hole"??

Gracie: "Because..He is my friend!"

Conversation with Millie, who can’t form words yet, so I translate:

Me: " Well, this is really our first time together Millie."

Millie: "Na ba" (I cant believe my parents did this to me.)

Me: "Say Gramma! Grammmmma!"

Millie: "Daddaa na" (I thought only grandpa's had mustaches)

Me: "Look at Gramma! Say Gramma!"

Millie: "Bzz da mm" (Can I taste your shirt?)

Me: "Do you want a nap? Wanna nappy?"

Millie: "Daddna" (Let the battle of wills begin! Hehe)

Me: "Come on, Mill, put your head down on my shoulder and gramma will rock you."

Millie: "Paaadna" (I’m gonna put my finger...right...there..Oh, is that your eye?)

Me: "Ow! Okay, put your head down. That’s it...good girl…now go to sleep.."

Millie: "Baa bop" (PSYCH! Totally had you there...hahaha! NOT Napping!)

Conversation with Nate about having to learn a second language:

 

Nate: "I don’t know WHY I have to know Spanish Gramma. How is that going to help me?"

Me: "Maybe its not all about you. Lets say you come up on a motorcycle accident and the guy only speaks Spanish. You are probably going to want to communicate with him and tell him what happened."

Nate: "I am fairly certain he will KNOW what happened, Gramma."

Me: "Okay, what if you meet this beeeautiful girl, and she only speaks Spanish?"

Nate: "There are millions of beautiful girls that DONT speak Spanish."

Me: "I am making absolutely no point here, am I Nate..."

Nate: "Nope."

Me: "Well, okay then. Lets change the subject."

Nate: "Grammaw this is TOTALLY inappropriate, but in Walgreens they sell this stuff that makes your nut sack taste like grapes...."

The completion of the inappropriate conversation with Nate, who I suspect is trying to shock me:

Nate: "Gramma this is TOTALLY inappropriate, but in Walgreens they sell this stuff that makes your nut sack taste like grapes...."

Me: "NO! In WALGREENS??!"

Nate: "Yep."

Me: "How much was it?"

Nate: "Twenty bucks."

Me: "And it makes your nut sack taste like GRAPES?"

Nate: "Hahahaha! YEEEESSSSS! hahaha!"

Me: "Maybe I will get some and try it on your Grandpa...."

Nate: "OMG GRAMMMAW! I can’t believe you said THAT!"

Me: "You still want to continue with inappropriate conversation?"

Conversation with Nate over a questionable decision he made:

Me: "You know Nate, EVERY decision you make as a teenager will affect you the rest of your life. Every single one. The bad thing is, your brain won’t be wired for good decisions until you are about 25. So, if you suck as an adult, you will only have your teen age self to blame. Kinda makes you wanna make good decisions NOW, huh?"

Nate: "What?”

Conversation with Gracie in my closet:

 Gracie: Ooooh GRANDMA! I love these high heels!"

Me: "I do too."

Gracie: “Will you be dead when I am sixteen?"

Me: "Do you WANT me to be dead when you are sixteen?"

Gracie: "Umm...No."

Me: "Are you asking me that so you can snag my high heels when you are sixteen?"

Gracie: "hehe...I would NEVER murder you Gramma!"

Me: "Well gee Gracie, I am happy about that..BUT is MURDERING me an option?"

Gracie: "I would not do that."

Me: "How about I just give you the shoes when you are sixteen. Then I wont have to be dead and you wont have to murder me."

Gracie: "Hehe. Okay Gramma."

Sethy and Gracie

Conversation with Gracie:

Gracie: "WHOA..Grammma...I have GROWN! Yesterday I was only this tall...Today I am THIS TALL. Hmmm... Musta been that cupcake I ate."

Warning: PG post. Names have been changed. Conversation with Gracie who is just livid:

Gracie: "Gramma! Suzi said John showed her his wiener!"

Me: "He did whaaaat?? Well, That's just WRONG!"

Gracie: "Yeah! And you know what else??!! He DIDN'T EVEN WASH HIS HANDS AFTER!!"

(Horrified yet laughing at the same time)

Gracie's critique of a music video: "She is pretty. I like that ones dress. Good dancer! I think that one is drunk."

Conversation with Gracie:

Me: "So Gracie, tell me some of the dreams you have had lately...I know you ate ice cream in Paris. What else have you done?"

Gracie: "I pooped on a chicken...."

Conversation with Gracie this afternoon:

Gracie: "Gramma, can I stay the night tonight?"

Me: "Not tonight. I want to spend time with Grandpa. He has not had Gramma for FIVE WHOLE DAYS!"

Gracie: "But I havent had you for SEVEN! And that is a WHOLE WEEK!"

(She had a point, but shortly thereafter, Gracie crawled in my lap when I was holding her little sister, who proceeded to scream and push Gracie off my lap)

Me: "Uh oh Gracie, I think Millie wants you off my lap..."

Gracie: "It is.. SO HARD sharing Gramma's! *sigh*

Conversation with Gracie as I am getting dressed:

Gracie: "GRAMMA! Put some underwear on!"

Me: "I HAVE underwear on."

Gracie: "Those are GRANDPAS!"

"Me: WHAT?! No! These are MINE!"

Gracie: "Oh....Uhhh..I REALLY like your underwear Gramma...hehe"

Me: "It's a little late for that, don't ya think Gracie?"

Gracie: "Hehe....yeah..hehehe. What's wrong with your bra gramma..."

Me: "Get out of here!”

Conversation with Gracie:

Me: "Gracie! Quit splashing in the tub!"

Gracie: "Is this splashing?"

Me: "YES!"

Gracie: "How bout this?"

Me: "YES!"

Gracie: "THIS??"

Me: "YES!"

Gracie: "Is THIS splashing?"

Me: "YES!"

Gracie: "What about THIS?"

Me: "YES!"

Gracie: "Do you think THIS is splashing?"

Me: "YES!"

Gracie: "THIS?"

Me: "YES!!!!!"

Gracie: "Buttheads! Anybody want me to get out of the tub?"

Me: "YEEEES!!!"

Conversation with Sethy:

Me: "But sethy, you have SUPER POWERS!"

Sethy: "No. My Super Powers will be gone ALL WEEK..."

Me: "How come?"

Sethy: “Because EVERYBODY knows who I am now.,.(sigh)"

Me: "Wow. Must be hard being a super hero..."

Sethy: "Well, I will STILL be Iron Man."

Thank goodness mankind is safe for another week!

Conversation with Gracie as she gives me the Gracie version of what REALLY happened to the dinosaurs:

Me: "Huh Gracie. I guess I never thought of that before.."

Gracie: "Its a good thing you got a grandaughter that knows EVERYTHING Gramma! Now can I have a piggy back ride?"

Conversation with Gracie while shopping:

Gracie: "I promise if you get me that Gramma, I will do chores..THREE chores.."

Me: "Okay Gracie. Three chores."

Gracie: "Okay Gramma. Carrying out my bag to the car is one of them..."

Conversation with Gracie when she vents her reading frustration: "When I was in preschool EVERYBODY could read better than me. Now I’m in kindergarten and I CANT BELIEVE I am STILL reading Dick and Jane!"

Conversation with Sethy:

Sethy: "Gramma! I AM DONE POOPING!!"

Me: "What do you want ME to do about it?"

(silence)

Sethy: "IM DOOONE!"

Me: "What am I supposed to do now? What does mommy do?"

Sethy: "hehe Wipe my butt."

Me: "But you have Super Powers! Don’t Super Powers let you wipe your OWN butt?"

Sethy: "They are broken right now..."

Me: "Pretty convenient if you ask me Sethers...."

The start of school and Grannies Great Gatlinburg Vacation

Conversation with Nate, who came to chemistry class with me:

Me: "We gotta get in before the lecture starts!"

Nate: “LECTURE?? You are getting a LECTURE?"

Me: "Yeah...when the professor talks and I take notes."

Nate: "Whew! I thought you were getting a LLLLECTUUURRRE!"

Conversation with Gracie, who has waded up to her knees in the water fully clothed:

Me: "Gracie! What. Are. You. DOING!!"

Gracie: "I AM...WASHING MY SHOES!!"

Conversation with Gracie who loves McDonalds hash browns:

Me: "Okay Gracie we can get hash browns. Do you want one or two?"

Gracie: "Two!"

Me: "Are you going to eat two?"

Gracie: "Yep!"

Me: "Do you want orange juice?"

Gracie: "Yep!"

Me: "Are you going to drink it?"

"Gracie: Nope!"

Me: "Then why do you want one?"

Gracie: "Because you said I could have one!!"

Me: "Yes but if you have no intention of drinking it...."

Gracie: "Maybe I better not get one."

Quote from dad as we wait for the doctor: "These damned doctors are passing me around like a cheap bottle of wine in a hobo jungle!"

Conversation with Gracie on both of our first days of school.

Me: "Did you make any friends at school, Gracie?"

Gracie: "Yep. Did you make any friends at school Gramma?"

Me: "Yep. I made one. Her name is Amanda!"

Gracie: "You made just ONE friend Gramma?"

Apparently Gracie is concerned I won't make friends at school. I had to reassure her I would be okay. :)

Countdown to Grannies Great Gatlinburg Vacay with Nathan and Gracie! Taking dad to my sisters house, then its off to seriously push some boundaries in these kids. Super hero star gazers arent born. They are created entirely by Grammas. So looking forward to the conversation of three generations in the same vehicle for 9 hours.

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Conversation with dad on our way to Tennessee: 

Me: "Okay dad, we are transporting Win Shuellers Bar Cheese across state lines. If we get pulled over, I'm shoving it down your pants"

Conversation with Nate on the Southern accents: "Gramma, everybody here talks with a weird accent."

Nate: "Actually Nate, YOU are the weird accent here. Haha!

Conversation with Nate:

Nate: "Gramma, can we watch MTV?"

Me: "No!"

Nate: "Why not?"

Me: "Because it is mindless...fluff. Lets watch some Duck Dynasty."

Conversation with Gracie in the hotel room:

Gracie: "Gramma, did you know that if you pick up the phone, a lady on the other end will bring you food so you can eat in your bed...AND if you say "I want you to change my sheets," she HAS to come and do it PRONTO!

Conversation with Gracie as we pass Gatlinburg haunted mansion:

Gracie: "Gramma, can we go in that whore house?"

Me: "WHAT??! Bahaha! That's a haunted house Gracie!"

Conversation with Gracie:

Gracie: "Gramma I am hungry."

Me: "Okay. We can go to get something when Nate gets up."

Gracie: "Alright. But for now I am eating gum 'cause my teeth need to chew on something." :

Quote from Gracie as we pull in to the Gatlinburg Hilton: "We can do ANYTHING here...except smoke..we can't smoke..."

Quote from Gracie: "My mom says you can't play with your food, but that's all some kids wanna do...play with their food and whine."

Quote from Gracie this morning as she butters toast for great grandpa: "My toast tastes just like homemade!"

Conversation with Nathan at my sister Debbie’s Tennessee home:

Nate: "Gramma, there is some bell going off out here.."

Me: "What? A bell?"

Nate: "Yeah. What is that? It keeps going off..."

Me: "Thats the house telephone Nate! Havent you ever heard a telephone ring?"

Me: "Nope."

My how things have changed!

Conversation with Gracie as we cross the Tennessee state line:

Me: "Finally! We are in Tennessee. Gracie, how many states did we go through!"

"Gracie: All of them..."

Can't argue with that!

Conversation with Gracie:

"Gramma are we in Intucky yet?"

Me: "Nope. And it is KENtucky."

(40 minutes later)

Gracie: "Gramma, are we in Nantucky yet?"

Me: "Yes and it's KENTUCKY!"

Gracie: "That's a weird name!"

Random comments on the 12 HOUR drive back home from Gatlinburg with my dad, Nate and Gracie: 

Me: "Gracie, are you DRINKING maple syrup?" 

Gracie: "I was just thirsty."

Me: "Knock it off!"

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Dad: "He was a limp dick no good drunk."

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Me: "Ya know dad, not EVERY great grand dad gets vacation with the great grand kids." 

Dad: "Yyyyeeeep.’

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"Turn around and SIT DOWN!"

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Me: "Why don’t you like him?" 

Dad: "Because I hate that bast**d!"

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Gracie: "I have to poop...oh...too late..."

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"Are we there yet?"

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Nate: "Who farted?""Gramma? Maybe it was Grandpa."

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"How much longer?"

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Gracie: "Im hungry Gramma!" 

Me: "Here, drink some maple syrup..."

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Me: "We made it home! No flat tires, no construction, no FELONIES!"

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Quote from Gracie as we arrive home: "Thanks for keeping me alive, Gramma."